Happy? Thanksgiving

So Thanksgiving is tomorrow. I have some mixed feelings about this day. This year is harder than last, even though I'm in a much better place than I was last year.

So, as you may know, most of my family has passed away. The closest blood relative (besides my sister, of course) is a cousin once removed.  Holidays are hard. Especially this time of the year. First, there is Thanksgiving, then 4 weeks later is my birthday, 1 week later Christmas, 1 week later New Years.  4 significant days of the year, all within 6 weeks. This year I'm blessed to go to a friends house for Thanksgiving, Chicago for Christmas, and who knows about New Years yet, but we'll see.

I don't make a list for what I want, I have no one to go to to ask for that extravagant item that I can't seem to buy for myself. But that's not what its about. Traditions are gone. Going over to my aunts house for Thanksgiving, watching football and cooking dinner, then eating and listening to my aunt complain that my father always steals the silverware (I guess there was an incident). Going to church on Christmas eve and then over to my grandparents to read the nativity story and open presents. Going over to my cousin's Christmas day to eat dinner then play White Elephant.  None of those things will ever happen again.I make up for it at Christmas by insisting we travel to somewhere we have never been.  But it's just a band-aid to cover the real hurt. 

It's funny, because when they were alive, I hated being with my family! I always felt wiped and in need of some serious Jesus when I was through being with them. I never could appreciate what I had.  Now, I would give anything to have them back. To experience those traditions again.  To hear the dirty, sometime racist jokes my cousin tells, to listen to everyone laugh and yell at the TV at whatever sport is on.  

I share all this not for me, a pity party between all my friends. I do this for you. I know many people are home with their family and are becoming frustrated with the experience.  I just want to encourage you to be Thankful for your family. They won't be around forever and, despite what you may be feeling right now, you will miss them.

In this I hope...

So, I'm hoping this will just be a quick note. I haven't quite grasped the full meaning of the events that I am talking about, but that's fine with me...I'm letting it flow.

You see there is this person. I love this person deeply! So I can't describe to you what it was like when this person rejected me. Now don't get me wrong. I have no romantic feelings toward this person, this rejection was far more personal. If you look back a couple of note you'll see my rambling of right when this person outright rejected me. I was so hurt. I flew back into some of my old patterns of coping with my life. It was bad. I felt like I could never open up to someone else ever again! I had opened my heart to this person and they rejected it, outright, like my heart meant nothing to them. I was through! I was ready to shut down! I never wanted to open myself up to anyone they way I had to this person. I would even go so far as to say I hated them for what they did. I say that because I truly believe that one can only hate what they first allowed themselves to deeply love.

So I began to grieve, I grieved the loss of yet another relationship. This particular relationship had left a lot of relational carnage in it's wake. I truly believe that we both were left broken by the relationship, even if I was the only one that could admit it.

I finally hit a point this week where I was praying in the shower, Hey, it's the best place to cry out, no one can hear you and the tears don't seem so bad when all the rest of you is wet, don't judge =) I cried out to God that I loved this person that hurt me, but I did not know how to treat them. I literally cried out "God, help me to love (insert name here) like You love (insert gender here). And God, this is simply not enough. Help me to treat (insert gender here) like You would treat the Roman guards that crucified You...with all love and respect. Help me to forgive (name)!"

Something changed in me, it wasn't about revenge anymore. Don't get me wrong there still is a lot of Christi in this girl writing this note. I still wanted him to pay for the pain he caused me, But more than anything, I wanted this person to see the God that I knew they couldn't yet. I wanted change, in both them and me, but for the glory of God, not the revenge of man!

A situation was brought out today, kind of a he said she said thing. Petty I know, but it hurt. Well, I confronted this individual about this issue. I was sick and tired of the he said she said thing and even though I knew it may hurt me more, I wanted to hear it from the source.

So I brought up the issue (actually, I texted the issue, I knew this person would not answer if I had just called). He called me back later (and actually the conversation lasted all day sporadically over the phone due to both of our busy schedules). But the situation didn't land at a resolution of the problem that was addressed. God totally made it to where some of the deeper issues would be addressed. Without going into too much detail, we went back to the beginning. We both struggled with the same fears, both unwarranted, both probably flesh grossness, but the same fear. We were projecting our past onto the other & ended up with the same result. Now, three years later we're finding this out. (on a side note, like there haven't been enough of those, don't you hate how much pride gets in the way of our relationships and how the enemy uses that pride to break us apart?!? Ahh!!) Anyways, if we both had truly been honest with ourselves back then, we may have avoided this relational carnage altogether! Moving along, The fact is that we need each other. This person has something that I need, and I have something this person needs. This is a God ordained relationship. This person is like my sibling in that I feel like I'm invested in the relationship enough to say things that I know will challenge them. They feel the same way. So I did it, no holds bar this time. This person had already rejected and hurt me almost to the point of...well, not in a note... that I felt like I had nothing to loose, but something could be gained. So I told them. I told them some of the things that the Lord has told me about them and had never felt like I could say at the risk of hurting the relationship.

What came out was a miracle, a actual place of healing. The beginnings of the breath of life into the dead body. This person was not only receptive, but open to it. God has rocked this persons life enough since the last time we spoke that what came out was pretty much, "I need you, I'm broken and you have something that I need" The person that could never have accepted that, even when it was from the Lord. They got it. I literally started crying. Part of it out of joy, and part of it out of pain because I knew that if this could have taken place awhile ago, I wouldn't have the pain & death I have right now...

So I know this must not make any sense to anyone, but to me this is nothing short of a miracle! God is allowing me to see this person through there eyes, to see what I normally would never have seen, and make this a process of our healing, both of us. No more strife or anger or hatred. Just love.

We are seeing the bigger picture. We are caught up in the deeper reality. One where enemies can be friends and help the other one to heal. A true kingdom mentality...and in this I hope.

Skubalon

I'm sitting here at work. I thank God all the time that my job is easy enough that I can do other things during work hours. It's a blessing and a curse. I can handle the responsibility, but I'm not thought to be able to handle it. Anyways, none of that is the point.

I find I fill my time pretty easily. I have work, school (15 credit hours in grad school, not as easy as I though it would be), church, church, oh and did I mention church? I'm so busy, but have been thinking lately about what that means. Yes, the Bible does say the idle hands are, well let's just say it's bad... But what is all this business getting me?

On average, I spend 14 hours a week in a classroom.
I spend at least 40 hours a week doing homework
I spend 20 hours a week at work
I spend 10 hours a week at church (most of that time in some sort of a ministry)
I try to spend at least 56 hours a week sleeping (which is usually a little less)

I try to spend time with friends, and with my sister! I try and try & I have a light schedule compared to other people I know!

Well, here's the kicker...what does all this trying amount to? School suffers, work suffers, church and ministry suffer, my sister suffers, my relationship with God suffers...

The Apostle Paul considered it all "skubalon"... CRAP, FESES... literally, the Greek word for poop... Paul considered everything, his pedigree, is status, his works, his sins, everything CRAP for the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ.

So here is my question... What am I getting out of being busy. I think it would have been easier 100 years ago. No electricity to keep you up till 2am working...but that is so not the point. I make myself busy. I, and a lot of others like me, choose busy. Choosing busy is so much easier than choosing life! If we choose life than we have to deal with our skubalon. If we choose bust that we let the skubalon cover our wounds instead of taking care of them. Now this is a gross picture. You have a wound that, instead of caring for, you cover with crap. You stop the bleeding by by packing the wound with feces...eww!! Yeah that's going to let them heal? No absolutely not, ask any mom and what will she tell you to do when you have a cut. Go was it with soap and water to clean the wound, apply antibiotic ointment, cover it with a bandage and repeat until it is better. You see protect it, treat it with care. LET IT HEAL!

Everyday, all around us we have people that are trying to cover their wounds with skubalon. What does God tell us to do...allow Him to cover our wounds, allow Him to heal us. If we can just do this, what does our business turn into??? Fruit. That's it. An undeniable fact. We will bear fruit.

So God, here is my prayer, it's not very eloquent, its not very spiritual, it just is... Help us to see the places in our lives that we are simply busy. Help us to see the places, those deep wounds we would rather not look at. Help us to stop covering them up with crap and help us to let you in... God, You are so merciful to help me deal with my stuff. I am so unworthy to even let you come and bandage my wounds, let alone heal them. God, You love us so much, that just like a mother with her children, You desire all of Your children to be healthy, happy, and most of all whole in You. We Thank You for everything You have done in our lives. Help us to consider it all skubalon for the surpassing greatness of knowing You!...

Morgan Look-alike Meter

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